She had no idea I was sacked out on the couch, the house a wreck, with a plate of leftover lasagna balanced on my stomach and Margaret Cho and Kissing Jessica Stein on the DVD player.

Yes, Mrs. G., your future daughter-in-law is overdosing on carbs and watching lesbian movies while your son is out of town. So what do you think about that?

It was sweet of her to call. She really is so thoughtful. Sometimes I feel guilty about picking on her (all harmless fun of course). But this is a woman who still calls her 30-year-old son to remind him to take a heavy jacket when he leaves the house. This is a woman who never quite finishes the same story she begins, and who is not content until she can buy her children new clothing for every holiday of the year.

This is a woman who's asking for it.