1�0�101010�0�1 2007-05-25, 3:09 p.m.

confessions of a straying and/or nostaglic mind

Sometimes, a girl needs an anonymous way to confess something she feels a little weird about. Right?

I'm a mother now, and happy, and balanced, and fulfilled. Yet lately, I've been having very vivid dreams about my ex.

Vivid and realistic dreams. Last night I dreamt that, curious about how he was doing, I sneaked off to L.A. for a brief visit, to slip in the back door of one of his gigs and surprise him with a "hi, how ya' doing?" This is disturbing on two levels. Not only did I do this from time to time when we were dating (slipping up to NYC to surprise him at some Village bar or another), but I've actually fantasized about doing it in my current life ... I'm in Los Angeles on a business trip, I merge in with the rest of the crowd, he spots me with a look of shock on his face ...

In last night's dream, that's what happened. Except that he was so excited to see me, he dropped everything and started taking me around to see all these people in the room. The people were all friends of his who I new when we were dating - bandmates, roommates, his best friend - and they were thrilled to see me. Not wigged out about seeing me, but so happy that I was there. And the more time I spent with him that evening, I kept feeling my willpower dissolving. I had vowed going into the evening to keep it platonic, but I found myself thinking: "If he makes a move, I might just give in."

In my dream, I was still married. Still a mommy. Still happy in my real life.

I saw some photos of his recently from his best friend's wedding, and I guess he's been on my mind. In a million years I would never actually do what I did in my dream. I know better. I found the person who makes my life complete, and I have no illusions that my slacker ex has anything for me in this life. Yet, it's one of those dreams I can't shake; I've been feeling uneasy about it the whole day.

I guess maybe there are still some things unresolved?

diaryland ... I've missed you!