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1�0�101010�0�1 2003-10-16, 4:55 p.m.

I'm the anti-diary-celebrity


So, hi. I'm back. It's been awhile. My template was all fucked up there for a bit and it made me not want to write in my diary, for fear that somebody would come and read it and note my floundering HTML abilities. So I don't write code much anymore. So I'm losing my touch. Whatever.

One of the Diaryland members I read is heading off to JournalCon this weekend. I'm fascinated by this. And as I read through the list of panelists for this year's workshops, I am equally fascinated that some of these people have become, like, diary celebrities or something.

Reading through it, I react the way I used to react to a good Lollapalooza lineup. Oh, Anna Beth is going to be there? And Sundry? And Allison? I wishI was going.

Except I can't even imagine what I could possibly contribute to an event like JournalCon. My diary is not funny, not original, not widely celebrated (nor even read). I don't get guestbook stalkers. I don't link to articles about sex toys (often). Actually, upon further thought, I'm not sure I'd want it to be or contain any of those things. My journal is a lot like me: quiet, contemplative, understated, subtly humorous, appreciated only by a handful of really terrific people.

I hope that didn't sound either A)self-loathing or B)totally over-the-top conceited. I've been in self-loathing space a lot lately. And conceited I am not, though some people take me for that occasionally.

The past several days have been bad, bad, bad — major depression, weird mood swings, lots of self-pity. It's really strange how I went from satisfied and happy, even congratulating myself on finally achieving satisfaction with my life, and then can spiral downward in a way that I haven't experienced for a very long time. I wonder if it's the hormones (I'm taking b.c. continuosly now to cut out the PMS symptoms, but who knows what that's doing to my brain?).

This weekend I'm heading off to Seattle for business. It's supposedly quite rainy and cold there. It sounds great: I plan to steal away as much as I can, throw on a turtleneck, find a warm cafe, and just write my little brains out. I hope I find the time.



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