You know (or you've probably heard on the news), that we have a really high murder rate in Oaktown. That people get shot repeatedly for taking their turn out of order at four-way stops or accidentally frowning at the wrong person. All of that typically does not happen where we live, which is sort of a upper-middle-class liberal's oasis in the middle of all this chaos. But sometimes it feels uneasily close, even when the pretty gardens and nice big stone houses and the VW van parked in our driveway.

So yesterday, I was searching for a parking space on our street (because our way-too-efficient landladies are having the house re-roofed, and I can't park in the driveway). Granted, I was driving a little slowly searching for a piece of vacant curb big enough to accommodate my car.

So this lady with a beat-up Honda Civic is tailgaiting me down the street. Finally, I pass a big truck and see, once I'm past it, that there's a space just in front of it. I signal and pull over.

Crazy Lady (with Small Child in Passenger Seat) pulls up beside me, rolls down her windows, and begins to scream.

"YOU BRAKE FIRST, THEN YOU PUT ON YOUR SIGNAL!"

I, colddigits, of quick temper, get all uppity.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

"YOU BRAKE FIRST, THEN YOU PUT ON YOUR SIGNAL. YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT!"

And then I, small-town Midwestern girl who comes from a place where people don't shoot each other unless they're drunk husbands in jealous rages, respond:

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE, BITCH."

Of course, as soon as I said it, I regretted it, but I was pissed. First of all, she was insane. Secondly, she was, in her insanity, totally making up imaginary driving rules. I know how people drive in Oakland, and the fact that I even signaled to indicate what I planned to do next would probably win me some kind of Courteous Driver of the Year award.

The interesting thing is, as she was stopped to yell at me, traffic was backing up behind her, and cars waiting to turn at the intersection were stuck while waiting to see what she was doing.

She very slowly turned left onto the intersection and inched down the street while continuing to yell.

"YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT!"

At this point, angry through I was, I was just intrigued to see what she would do next. I got out of my car and waited. Would she stop and get out to kick my ass? Would she park and continue screaming? What the hell?

She finally drove away, and I went inside and blew off steam, relating the whole thing to A. and then letting him cheer me up. But about an hour later, I started getting paranoid.

What if she came back?

Worse, what if she sent her bad-ass boyfriend back? What if I went out to find my car keyed, or my tires slashed? Or what if somebody would be waiting for me when I got in the car.

You think I'm being paranoid? Two days ago some lovely couple got slaughtered in front of their kids, the husband for his wallet, the wife because she was calling 911. And you always hear about these people getting shot because of a "disagreement" earlier in the day.

So, of course, nothing happened. On my way to the Social Security office this morning to change my name, though, I saw a city department employee ticketing a car that looked very much like the one Crazy Lady was driving. And I was filled with joy! I love Karma! And feeling a little guilty about the whole "bitch" thing, I was extra-nice to all the disgruntled folk at the SSA office.