I've been perpetually stressed out since I was about 14 years old. In high school, I formed friendships with other perpetually-stressed-out people. Our common bond was bad skin, temper tantrums, and self-deprecation, all over a few honors classes and too many extra-curricular activities.

In college, I was stressed out a lot too, though it wasn't quite as fashionable. I went to a college with a lot of very relaxed hippies. I also discovered pot and alcohol in college, which did help a little.

Throughout my short (7-year) career, I have found myself most fulfilled by the jobs that have me panicking and working late nights. I moved to California, started a new job, and � because I just wasn't pushing myself hard enough � decided to take on a freelance project to write a book in about three months. That experience was my awakening. I got chronic headaches. I almost ruined the most wonderful relationship I'd ever had.

Why? What drives me to push and push and push myself like this? Is it some kind of self-loathing? (Probably.) It's like I have too much pent up energy and creativity if I'm not working all the time. And I also have this peculiar need to please other people, which is another reason I work so very hard.

Lately I've been so into work that when I actually have an evening when I can leave at 5:00, I feel hesitant to do so. Like: what could I possibly do with a whole evening to myself?

As I was pulling into my driveway last night, to go home to the most amazing fiance in the world making me shepherd's pie for dinner, I thought: This should be the nucleus of my day. This should be what I focus my energy on. Coming home and being with A. and, someday, with my family. Not killing myself at a job where � though I'm recognized for my efforts day in and day out � ultimately I'm a cog in the wheel.

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Another example of my anxiety: I've been having nightmares. The other night it was about my mother getting sick. Last night, commercial airliners were plummeting toward the ground in my neighborhood.

As soon as this project at work is over, I really need to find a good therapist.

On the plus side, I've read about half of a book that sam recommended called The Introvert Advantage, and it's changed my perspective about a lot of things. I'm not quite as self-conscious about not immediately having comments to contribute in meetings or discussions, for instance. My shyness and self-consciousness is another topic I'd like to cover in therapy.

(I did therapy back in college, when I got 10 free sessions a year at the school clinic. It was great, but I spent a lot of time dealing with my issues with Mom. This time, it needs to be more about me.)

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I'm leaving for Las Vegas for a big business trip Saturday evening. Vegas is not my fave place to go on business. My old companies used to have their trade shows there. During events like that, at the end of the day, I like downtime, being able to unwind in a quiet restaurant or getting room service, and Vegas is just too intense, and not quite set up for the business traveler.