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1�0�101010�0�1 2002-11-18, 10:11 a.m.

I'm crazy but I get the job done


It's been awhile since I've updated. My job is kicking my butt. For the past two weeks I've been frantic and exhausted. I don't think it's always going to be like this, but for now I'm facing intense deadlines and lots of pressure. I like my job though. Not complaining.

Had a fabulous, relaxing weekend. Like this dear diaryland member, my life has been overtaken by anxiety lately, and I'm thinking seriously about seeing somebody about it. But except for a couple of moments this weekend, I was as laid back and content as I always imagine many other people in the world consistently are (probably not true).

Reasons my weekend was beautiful include [I've worked in marcom too long; I slip into the bulleted list too easily]:

  • Two salespeople from A's company flew in Friday from New York for a conference. A's company is British owned, so his S.F.-based coworker and one of the New York sales guys are British. There were six of us ... two NYers, the SF coworker and his boyfriend, and A and myself. I was the only woman. We went to LuLu's and spent what I would guess to be about $500 on steak, oysters, mussels, wine, and assorted other indulgences. Charming British sales guy pulls out his AmEx and takes care of the bill. But on top of that, the company was fantastic. Sweet people, easy to be around, funny, charming. I haven't felt so at ease with a group that large in ages. I always suspected I should have been born British.

  • Lots of reading and cooking. I finished Straight Man and bought Kitchen Confidential, which I plan to start tonight while A. is at his industry dinner.

  • No work. I did not bring work home with me, nor did I do freelance. I have a freelance article to write, but I'm going to work on it this week while A. is working at night. Then, that's it. No more freelance. I've decided once and for all that I will not work in my off-time. In fact, I'm thinking about doing some volunteer work, and maybe even finding a hobby. Gasp.

  • I came to understand that, despite moping and obsessing about this for the past two weeks, my father does not really hate me. See, he's been sort of a grump about contributing money for the wedding. I did not ask him for money � my stepmother volunteered � but regardless, he has acted as if I was pressuring him for money and implied more than once that I was being extravagent (though he has no idea what we're spending). My mother told me this weekend she ran into him in a restaurant one night and he demanded that she split whatever he decided to contribute with him; upon which she informed him she'd already spent "a couple thousand dollars" on my dress (a little white lie, but good for her). This started the wheels turning in my head � he gives my brother all this money but refuses to give any to me, he thinks I'm irresponsible and frivolous despite how hard I've worked to prove myself to him, etc. He doesn't like me. He thinks I'm a bad person. Etc. So I finally called him last night, and he was sweet to me, and kind, and glad to hear from me. He told me to be patient with him, and when I reminded him I did not expect any financial assistance from him, he replied "Oh, we want to help you. Don't worry." My dad just has a hard time demonstrating his love, but I probably need to quit being so stubborn and reaching out to him more to give him a chance to show it.

Now I'm back at work, and my boss is being sweet, and things have calmed down, and I feel good. Very good. If only I can keep this momentum going.



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